Anyone who has experienced violence either in the form of abuse, domestic violence, crime or terrorism is faced with the same questions and choices. Does your life matter and if so to who? Is it your life worth preserving? How will you do that? Through reciprocating in kind and choosing violence as your change agent or through peaceful, non-violent means. In the heat of the moment, when the intrinsic will to live flares up to ensure your survival, these micro moments of panicking thoughts flash through your head amid a flood of negative emotions, fear, anger and other negative feelings. They all clamour for attention and drive you into fight or flight reactions.
And the logical choice at the time for most of us, is survival, fight and win or run and hide. Which most of us do. These are perfectly understandable and natural reactions and have assured the perpetuation of the human race since time began. But there is a third option which involves neither fighting nor running. And as someone who has witnessed a litany of violent events over the years, making the choice for non-violence seems to be the least understandable option.
You are incredibly important! Critical in fact to the creation of your own reality, and you firstly are the one who can make all the difference to you and your experience of life. Let this sink into your inner world of thought and emotion. Set aside your external education, or traditions that tell you that you don’t matter and allow a personal breakthrough of your own, the enormous moment of settling into the fact that you have value. Real value not just that of being used for someone else’s purpose. You are in reality, the center of your own universe, your life revolves around you. It’s quite logical really, if you don’t matter you can’t make a difference, but if you do matter, you can. So, the starting place for you is to find that value in you. You need to reach the place where you love yourself, who you are, as you are…
Your life is not only worth preserving but growing and developing. You’re a fully functional human being with a mind, a soul and a body, and the greatest gift you can give yourself and others is your own growth into the vastness of all that you can be. Your presence on earth, in your town, your community, or school can make the world of difference. Your ability to love, to care, to support, to drive out change in all the places that matter to you.
An abuser chooses to behave coercively or violently to get what they want and have control over someone else. The responsibility for violence always lies with the abuser. Perpetrators of family violence will often make excuses for their behaviour , for example, using justifications such as ‘I just lost control’, ‘I snapped because I’m stressed about work/the children/money’. This is a way for them to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by blaming it on someone or something else.
But if an abuser is careful about when, where and to whom they are abusive, then they are showing enough awareness about their actions to indicate they are not out of their control. Rather, they are using deliberate actions to gain control in a relationship. While the use of violence is always a choice made by an individual, there are broader social and community factors that enable family violence to occur and allow a person who commits family violence to excuse or minimize the harm they are choosing to cause. These factors include the beliefs and structures in our society that enable some dominant groups to have more power, privilege and resources than marginalized groups.
This inequity between different groups can be seen across gender, between women and men as well as across race, culture and class, or those with higher and lower wealth. This system of inequity is consistent with feminist theories of violence against women, which talk about male privilege being reinforced by community institutions that promote and maintain male dominance and control over women.
Gender inequity is characterized by an unequal distribution of power, resources and opportunity between women and men. Rigid gender roles lead to women being less valued in society and creates a social environment that enables and excuses violence against women. Extensive research has identified the following expressions of gender inequity as being most consistently associated with higher levels of violence against women: condoning of violence against women, men’s control of decision-making and limits to women’s independence, rigid gender roles and stereotypes and male peer relations that emphasize aggression and disrespect towards women
Racism, classism, ageism, and other forms of discrimination also enable social conditions that contribute to family violence. These forms of discrimination intersect with each other and gender inequity, resulting in different marginalized groups being more likely to experience higher rates of family violence. Family violence is not an inevitable social problem, it can be prevented.
When we join together as a community, to raise awareness of, understand and challenge community attitudes towards family violence, raise awareness about family violence, and hold abusers responsible for their actions, we can create a society that supports equality and addresses the complex factors that drive and reinforce family violence. By continuously doing this we can stop family violence from occurring in the first instance.
Is non-violence an option?
As a society, we have a long road ahead, but it begins with the simple step of educating ourselves, our peers, and ultimately changing our perspective so that women are always on equal footing to men and the next generation of women can grow up in a world that is safe, supportive and free from violence.
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